Dear Squat,

Hey…it’s me. I know I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been…well…busy.  I know you’re the King of Exercises.  After all you are one of the most, if not the most, functional movements a person can do.  The ability to perform you requires strength, stability, mobility of the trunk, hips, legs, knees and ankles.  Simply performing you a person can improve their quality of life well into their retirement years keeping them free of the home and the ground (what?  It’s true).  You even go so far is to increase the strength and size of my upper back which can help improve posture, overhead stability and shoulder safety.  But…the truth is, I needed a change.


I just can’t take it anymore.  I want to look jacked.  I don’t care if I lose my front rack!  I want to bench and bicep curl until I can’t feel my face.  I want to do Skull Crushers until I can’t straighten my arms.  After all no one really looks at your legs…right?  I’m done trying to buy pants that fit just right!  Do you know how hard it is to buy pants that fit your waste AND your damn legs?!  Let me tell you it isn’t easy.


I can’t defend you anymore.  People are saying that you’re bad for me (and my knees apparently).  Even MY DOCTOR SAYS IT’S TRUE!  And, what’s with this, “Must be performed past parallel”, nonsense?  This isn’t you.  You’ve changed.  Don’t you know that their are hundreds of fitness models that I follow on Instagram that are telling me NOT to do this?  I heard that this is better for your Quads anyway and aren’t those really what people look (I don’t want big hamstrings).


I know what coach is telling me and I trust them, but, we’re done.  I guess that I’ll see you in class every now and then and for the time being let’s keep this civil.  When you’re programmed in a workout I will be nice by pretending to perform you when coach walks past.  If they give me any cues on how to perform you better I will follow suit.  But, as soon as coach is out of my sight I am cutting your depth and only doing half of my reps.  You and I are through, do you hear me?!  Maybe I will see you in the future after my Physical Therapist recommends you when I’m recovering from my knee or hip surgery.  Until then it’s goodbye, squat.



Chet Biceporus


P.S., I’ve left all of your, “health benefits”, on my lawn with a, “FREE”, sign on it.  Good luck getting it.


*This article is obviously a spoof and written with a large amount of sarcasm throughout.  Squatting correctly is healthy and yes Squats are the King of All Exercises.  If you would like to learn how to squat correctly and improve your life, sign up for a 1 on 1 training session with one of our excellent coaches.